ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
