I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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