i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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