saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
