Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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