okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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