do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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