is your mom at the bar?
there's paper in my vomit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
