I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
