I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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