I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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