remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize