take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
