Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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