Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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