my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
