Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize