The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
