got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
