I'm going to jail i love you
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize