Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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