next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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