wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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