3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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