I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
