I wish I could teleport
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
