Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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