why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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