I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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