Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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