i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
