It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
