saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
