A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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