i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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