she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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