My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
