Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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