when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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