If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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