The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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