Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
