We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
