I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
