I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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