Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize