Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My dick has a subreddit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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