dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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