god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
