Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
