we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want her autograph on my taint
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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