Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize