smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
