How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
