He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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