Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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