I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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