She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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