how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
