I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
God, I missed his penis.
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