I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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