turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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