My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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