I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
