i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
